I am about to embark on a totally new chapter of my Ice-life. As of this week, J and I are no longer J and I. It's just him, it's just me, and I'll be moving out to find my own place soon. I knew it was a risk that this would happen when I came here, but I somehow still kind of thought that given the effort of coming, given that we'd met in such a romantic way, that there was something extraspecial about us. Don't we all think that about relationships, just as they're somehow crumbling from the inside?
I'm not excited about being alone here, carless in a country and society that thrives on its big vehicles, having to restart everything again, less than a year after the LAST time I did it. I don't even own any spoons, or pots and pans of my own, having left them behind in my naive "he has them and everything will be perfect when we live together" assumptions. I know these are all details in the grand scheme of things, but when you're staring at the rubble of what you thought you'd built up it all seems like too much to do, especially when I have to negotiate everything with my crappy Icelandic plus English crutch. I also feel so strange having to rely on these few friends I have that were not first J's friends. I don't know how that works here. Do I stop seeing any of them since they were his first? There are only so many people to go around here.
Of course, the first thing my friends and family have asked is if I plan to leave now. First of all, in the grand irony of the world, the day that he finally said it was done with us was the same day I'd turned in my paperwork for my next year's visa extension. I've signed on the dotted line for the next year and damned if I'm taking that back. Furthermore, my move here was not just about him, so I guess it's my opportunity now to find out what all that other stuff was supposed to be. Finally, it was a lot of effort from me, my whole family, and many friends that got me here. I owe it to them to stay longer, and in its own strange way, Iceland HAS become familiar in a way that Boston or the US probably wouldn't be right now. Not to mention the money invested in coming here, which I am still trying to make up for. I can't afford to move back, for financial reasons, for gotta-be-tough reasons, and because I told myself I came here for more than a relationship. Now is the time to prove it, I guess. Expat life wasn't supposed to be easy, but that's what is supposed to make it worthwhile. Maybe I will learn something amazing about myself in these next months.
As for posting this all here, I know it is a departure from the normal news-from-Iceland, but I needed to say it somewhere, write down my intentions to stick it out so that I keep my word. I am honestly doubting my ability to do it, so new is the realization I'm on my own, and so overwhelmed I feel when I think about it all. Also, for those who move abroad partly for love, I hope for your sakes that there is more to the move than that. I can't believe I am the only person to experience this, so make sure you have a plan B, and as a friend said yesterday, maybe even a plan C.
Still, it is quite shocking to think: I am in Iceland, and I am alone.
Ship sighting: This part of the ol' blog is going to have to change a bit, since I doubt I'll have the same oceanfront view wherever I live next. Still, the boats continue to come and go. Today is a pretty light day, but we do have a fishing boat called Sebastes M coming. The name only turns up that it's the Latin name of Redfish in google search, so I guess they've got a good load from the primary distribution area, located just south of us.